How men get into trouble !!!  

How men get into trouble !!!

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, " Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

**Now The Ultimate One****

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife? " the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez ."

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Insurance Claim Rejected!  

He was a Good Man....

Never smoked,
never drank,
never bullied,
never bunked school/college/office,
never partied,
never lied,
never took what was not his,
never gossiped,
never procrastinated,
never flirted,
never had an affair.

But when he died,......

The Insurance Company refused the Claim.

They said.......

"He who never Lived,
can never Die" !!!!!

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Management & engineers  

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.

"How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"


BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... No wonder!!!!!

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LATEST ICC RULES  

(1)    Ricky Ponting – (THE TRULY GENUINE CRICKETER OF THE CRICKET ERA AND
WHOSE INTEGRITY SHOULD NOT BE DOUBTED) should be considered as the FOURTH
UMPIRE. As per the new rules, FOURTH UMPIRE decision is final and will over
ride any decisions taken by any other umpires. ON-FIELD umpires can seek
the assistance of RICKY PONTING even if he is not on the field. This rule
is to be made, so that every team should understand the importance of the
FOURTH UMPIRE.

(2)    While AUSTRALIAN TEAM is bowling, If the ball flies anywhere close
to the AUSTRALIAN FIELDER(WITHIN 5 metre distance), the batsman is to be
considered OUT irrelevant of whether the catch was taken cleanly or
grassed. Any decision for further clarification should be seeked from the
FOURTH UMPIRE. This is made to ensure that the cricket is played with
SPORTIVE SPIRIT by all the teams.

(3)    While BATTING, AUSTRALIAN players will wait for the ON-FIELD UMPIRE
decisions only (even if the catch goes to the FIFTH SLIP as the ball might
not have touched the bat). Each AUSTRALIAN batsman has to be out FOUR TIMES
(minimum) before he can return to the pavilion. In case of THE CRICKETER
WITH INTEGRITY, this can be higher.

(4)    UMPIRES should consider a huge bonus if an AUSTRALIAN player scores
a century. Any wrong decisions can be ignored as they will be paid huge
bonus and will receive the backing of the AUSTRALIAN team and board.

(5)    All AUSTRALIAN players are eligible to keep commenting about all
players on the field and the OPPONENT TEAM should never comment as they
will be spoiling the spirit of the AUSTRALIAN team. Any comments made in
any other language are to be considered as RACIALISM only.

(6)    MATCH REFREE decisions will be taken purely on the AUSTRALIAN TEAM
advices only. Player views from the other teams decisions will not be
considered for hearing. MATCH REFREES are to be given huge bonus if this
rule is implemented.

(7)    NO VISITING TEAM should plan to win in AUSTRALIA. This is to ensure
that the sportive spirit of CRICKET is maintained.

(8)    THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: If any bowler gets RICKY PONTING - "THE
UNDISPUTED CRICKETER WITH INTEGTIRY IN THE GAME OF CRICKET" more than twice
in a series, he will be banned for the REST OF THE SERIES. This is to
ensure that the best batsman/Captain will be played to break records and
create history in the game of CRICKET.

These rules will clarify better to the all teams VISITING AUSTRALIA.

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